I just endeavored to do something I've never done before: write a letter to myself. I have journaled for years, and in a certain sense it is like writing a letter to myself, but there is a difference. I have always written my journal entries in first person. "I this" and "I that," but I wrote this letter in second person (the only permissible time to write in second person). I found that I was quite harsh on myself, taking myself to task for all of my unmet expectations of 2006 and how I have reacted to my perceived failures.
It was one of the most fruitful and beneficial activities in which I have ever engaged. I gained more from that than hours of counseling sessions with an overpaid psychologist. It helped me crystalize in my own mind the things that have been troubling me for the past month or so, as I have approached my one year anniversary in Dallas, at my new company, in my new relationship, etc. There are a certain number of frustrations that accompany anniversaries of this sort, but I have a better idea about why I have had such a struggle in coping with this one year mile marker.
What I learned in the end was that I have much more to be thankful for than not, and I need to do less fixating on those things I wish were different and rather rejoicing for those things that are so wonderful. I'm pretty thick-headed, and this very thing has been suggested to me before, and I sadly dismissed it out of hand. I'm a fixater by nature. But no longer will that excuse suffice. Excuses in general do nobody any good.
"I'm like this" or "I'm like that and therefore that's why I engage in X stupid behavior" doesn't cut it. The status quo cannot be an acceptable choice for those who believe that progress is essential to fulfilled human existence. We cannot make excuses for the way we behave, whether it is in regard to things we do or in regard to things we don't do. I won't say I've learned my lesson, but I am making progress. That's something, at least. It means I'm still alive, which is better than nothing, eh?
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1 comment:
We are too much alike my friend. I wrote myself a letter yesterday too! It truly is the most honest and object way to really bore down to the root issues that lead to said behaviors. Great post.
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