If there is any word that might accurately describe the vast majority of human relationships, it is "dysfunctional." This is all the more true when describing males' relationships with other males. Recent studies show that young men are more emotionally damaged and prone to destructive behavior than young women when experiencing difficult romantic relationships. As the article states, it is partially because men tend to rely on their romantic relationships for all forms of intimacy, where women tend to have one or more close friendships from whence they gain non-sexual emotional intimacy.
In our continuing discussion of masculinity, I wanted to write a brief piece on male-male relationships, both gay and straight, and identify how men in our current age have become extremely isolated, with fewer and fewer emotional ties to the rest of society, and how in the absence of such, have turned to alcohol, drugs, and promiscuous sexual behavior as substitutes for real intimacy.
Masculine intimacy is taboo in Western culture. The people that might be expected to advocate it generally reject the value and benefits of masculinity itself, while the more primitive advocates of masculinity tend to view male intimacy (especially with other males) with great suspicion, if not motivated by outright homophobia. It is true that men are less social creatures, than women, but they are not a-social, and the lack of a proper balance of healthy interactions with other people can lead to anti-social behavior (something men are far more prone to, on average, than women).
There are few modern examples of intimate male friendships that are not the subject of the rumor mills, hoping to out some celebrity or public figure as being gay because of the friendships they keep (think Matt Damon and Ben Affleck). Notwithstanding the minor pop-cultural craze over "bromances," real society sees very little intimacy in male relationships with one another. There are no fond exchanges of letters between modern Thomas Jeffersons and John Adams. I have in fact witnessed the toll of the intimacy deficit on straight men I know--the lack of having a trusted confidant with whom one can be transparent and open without fear of judgment. Perhaps, as we have seen, the cause of this is the failure of society to provide appropriate forums for ceremonial combat between males and this leads men to view their intimate private lives as their realm of superiority over their fellow male.
Because most of my friends are straight men, I am acutely aware of these issues. Gay men, though, are not substantially better off. In one sense, they are not afraid of male intimacy, which perhaps makes the remedy more accessible, but they nevertheless suffer from the same lack of examples of positive male intimacy as straight men. Gay men in fact turn to sex (frequently very promiscuous sex) as a substitute for genuine intimacy, and this behavior is accepted--even celebrated--by the gay clubbing/hookup culture. This is perhaps why gay male relationships are on average shorter than straight relationships and lesbian relationships--once the sex (that is, the intimacy substitute) is gone, there is nothing left binding the relationship together (especially since raising children is not yet widespread amongst gay men, particularly younger ones).
If the stereotype of the gay man being "more in touch with his feelings" were true, one would expect longer-lasting gay relationships. The absence of such, however shows both a lack of emotional maturity and a lack of broad understanding of how to relate to another male in a fundamental way. It is much easier for men to ignore the emotional aspect of relationships in favor of sex in any context, but this is amplified when the relationships is with another man. Similarly, male friends (straight or gay) that are characterized by the presence of more intimacy than would otherwise be expected are prone to "breakups" since men are not well-equipped (nor taught) to healthfully handle conflicts that are inevitable in intimate relationships (be they sexual relationships or platonic ones).
The embrace and understanding of masculine intimacy is essential to the continued progress and development of society. Stable, healthy gay partnerships will be a boon to the culture, while intimate friendships will help rescue straight men from their atomized isolation, reducing substance abuse, crime, and other anti-social behavior. Simultaneously, it will aid society in moving away from its casual attitude toward sex (which has emerged precisely because of the lack of genuine intimacy of the old regime combined with the post-modern stripping away of the old regime's social norms and mores), helping solve the public health crisis surrounding sexually transmitted diseases and encouraging people to move away from their consumerist attitudes toward sex and relationships that has destabilized families and perpetuated the cycle of poor socialization of the young.
No comments:
Post a Comment