Comfortable Not Being in Someone Else's Skin

I am continuing my blog series on Henri Nouwen's book "The Inner Voice of Love" today and will do so for several more entries at least.

We often hear a confident person being described as "comfortable in his own skin." This is considered a mark of genuineness and high emotional aptitude. We also generally hear somebody who pokes around in other people's business as being "nosy" and this is something that is less than a desirable quality or trait. I have come to a new understanding of these two divergent, and in fact directly opposite traits in light of some of my own experiences and this admonition from Nouwen:

"When you find yourself curious about the lives of people you are with or filled with desires to possess them in one way or another, your body has not yet fully come home. As soon as you have come to live in your body as a true expression of who you are, your curiosity will vanish, and you will be present to others free from needs to know, or own."

The realization I came to after reading this quotation was that a person who truly is comfortable is his or her own skin is not going to be the type who is nosy or always feels a need to be in the know about other people's lives. It seems that this applies more heavily to those for whom we care the most. We should live in genuine community with those we love, and in a different sense with all whom we come into contact. But community only exists where there are individuals who can commune with one another. There is no community of one.

I borrow an example from Scott Peck from his book THE DIFFERENT DRUM, though I add my own analysis: In Christian theology, the Doctrine of the Trinity even shows that there had to be a diversity of personality in the singular being of God. God's eternal existence did not deny Him the participation in community because there were three distinct divine personalities in His united being. But if God were the monistic Sovereign of Islam, for example, God would have existed in eternity without the ability to commune with another prior to creation.

Although this is somewhat of a diversion, I use the example to illustrate that genuine community necessitates the existence of individuals and boundaries. I cannot live in community with another person if we are not emotionally separated. If there are no boundaries or borders, then we are essentially a single individual, thus obliterating community. This is why communist societies and the Utopian Ideal is so terribly flawed. It is not so much that Communism disrespects the individual, though it certainly does that. Communism does not claim to respect the individual. Nay, the most grievous error of communism is that it disrespects the community. Community and Individual are merely two different sides of the same unified coin. They are different faces of the same humanity.

Whether it is in our familial relationships, work relationships, platonic relationships, or romantic relationships, in order for true community to be present, the highest respect for individuals must also be present. Herein lies the consistency in the simultaneous existence of Unity and Diversity. Though different people, with different thoughts and feelings, wants and needs, beliefs and desires, dreams and aspirations, we share in pleasure and pain, experience and fulfillment, loss and gain, in the passage of time, the struggles of life, and the joys of it as well. We may not fully understand the other participants in any given community experience, but that is not necessary for community to exist.

Indeed, the only preconditions for community are kindness and respect. I need not understand why my fellow person is struggling in order to care for him. I need not know the details of her struggle in order to have sympathy. I need not know what he did last night in order to enjoy being with him today.

This does not come easily for us, however. True community is a towering peak whose ascent is long and arduous. It is an equilibrium whose balance requires both strength and endurance. It is a goal that necessitates both patience and persistence, suffering and endurance, hardship and resolve. But its reward is a deep fulfillment, an understanding of both self and other, the appreciation of all that is human, and all that is humanity. It surpasses the most exciting momentary thrill, it excels any physical pleasure, and it surmounts the consumption of the most exquisite of goods. And it is for this reason that we should seek it both ardently and urgently, whether it is in our friendships or romantic relationship, interactions with co-workers or strangers, and even with our closest of family.

But it all begins by being comfortable in our own skin, and being comfortable not being in somebody else's.