Reflections on Love and Friendship

Blessed are the peacemakers. Matthew 5:9

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of this is love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13

For those of you who know me well, you know my rough edges. You know my weaknesses, my areas where I need to improve. For those of you who have known me well for a long time, you know that despite much difficulty, I have smoothed a couple of those rough edges in the last couple of years. Many of you have heard the story I am about to tell, but it inspires my sentiments of love and friendship that I want to share momentarily, so I include it for context.

The evening chill had burned off the warmth of the afternoon on July 20, 2005, as Zach Howell and I descended a steep cliff in Unit 13 of Denali National Park. Making our way through the thick brush near the end of the descent, we stepped out onto the gravel bar of the Thorofare River, and the clear blue sky illuminated the grandeur of Mount McKinley. Clusters of bright magenta flowers decorated the moist, silty sections of the mile-wide gravel bar, and we plodded across the well-braided river, enjoying our first day in the wilderness. Isaac Watts's beautiful hymn came into my mind "I sing the mighty power of God that made the mountains rise, that spread the flowing seas abroad and filled the lofty skies. I sing the wisdom that ordained the sun to rule the day. The moon bows down at His command and all the stars obey."

After a slow crossing of the Thorofare, we looked up to see a male grizzly bear about 150 yards away. He began to walk toward us and we waved our hands in the air, yelling at him to go away. He took a second look, and then nonchalantly altered his course in a completely non-threatening way. After the rapidity of my heartbeat had subsided, and I realized our fortune in avoiding an encounter, I looked to the southeast and noticed a mother grizzly and her cub feeding in the thick blueberry bushes on the hilly tundra.

A significant amount of observation passed and we made our way up the next two hills, about 45 minutes later, and upon bounding over the second of the two hills, we saw the mother and her cub in binocular vision, except we weren't looking through binoculars. There they stood, about 30 feet away, completely displeased by our presence. Total body paralysis set in, and I stood there attempting to re-engage my motor faculties. Finally I was able to move backwards, back down the hill we had just ascended, and out of sight of the bears. My left leg convulsed uncontrollably as we waited for thirty minutes, wondering what to do, and enjoying every precious second that we did not see the bears coming over the hill.

We didn't see the bears again that day, and although my life did not flash before my eyes or anything like that, the episode set in motion a serious reflection upon many facets of my life. It is part of that reflection, which continued for the further three weeks I spent in in the Alaskan wilderness, that I wish to share with you now.

Human beings are all born with needs and desires. Maslow ordered them in a hierarchy from most important to least: Physical survival needs, need for safety & security, need to belong socially, need for self esteem, need for self actualization. I most humbly endeavor to challenge that hierarchy, for it is my contention and firm belief that absent the higher three (social belonging, self esteem, and self actualization), it would be preferable for the lower two never to be met. Instead of viewing these needs as a hierarchy, I submit that they should be viewed as both necessary to and contingent upon one another. It is cliché to say, but true, that no man is an island. The hermetic lifestyle makes it quite difficult for one to obey Christ’s command “Love thy neighbor.” You see, Christ did not command “Love mankind.” He personalized it and made it tangible. It is not enough just to love humankind. We must love the man or woman sitting next to us in a restaurant, or standing next to us on the subway. This is because God does not love us collectively as His “creation,” rather He loves each of us individually as his “creature.” A piece of artwork is a creation—the mountains are God’s creation. But we are not an impersonal object or a hunk of granite. We are active, thinking, beings with creative powers of our own. We can even have interaction with our Creator. This is something the mountains and rivers cannot do. Similarly, then we are to love our neighbors, not as we love the gorgeous sunset, or even views of Mount McKinley at dusk, but as living, thinking beings with feelings and hurts and emotions, and with whom we can, and ought to interact.

We must also recognize our ability to affect those feelings and emotions of others, and that sometimes we affect them without even realizing it. Each of us, within the last week, has probably hurt somebody we know and care about. Most likely, we don’t even know that we did it. But because we were not constantly conscious and aware of ourselves, we still did it. Unless we are constantly checking our thoughts against the command “Love thy neighbor” and the criteria for that command “Love suffers long and is kind...” then we will continue to unwittingly hurt others and act in selfish ways without a second consideration.

Our love must be ACTIVE, not passive. Christ did not tell us in the Beatitudes “Blessed are those who do not stir up conflict,” He said “Blessed are the peacemakers,” the ones who are actively making peace. I do not think He was speaking of Geopolitics or International Relations, though the command applies equally to that context as well, I believe. But He was admonishing us at an individual level—blessed are those of you who make peace with your neighbor, or your brother, or your co-worker, or your nemesis. In the context of Hebrew culture, it is important to recognize that the word peace means more than merely the absence of conflict. It means wholeness and completion. In fact, a common greeting in Christ’s time was “how is your peace?” Thus, if we are to pursue this goal of peacemaking, then we first must root out hostility, for hostility detracts from a person’s wholeness. It also means that we must attend to each other’s needs and desires as a chief priority, for we were created to be social beings, and we cannot be complete or whole without both vertical interaction (individual to God) and horizontal interaction (individual person to individual person).

I have found that if I am sufficiently attending to the needs of my friends and family, I have no time to attend to my own. And as I reread that sentence, I can hear the Apostle Paul, or Christ Himself saying “Exactly!” It is that sacrifice of the self, the elimination of the ego, the total focus upon the Grace gifts of God rather than the Acquired Gifts of the World, it is precisely that foundation that leads us to a meaningful and fulfilling existence on this earth. It is not what will end all of our sorrows or pains—no, those will persist so long as we occupy this fallen world. But it infuses meaning into those sorrows and pains.

The Apostle James clarifies this all the more clearly in his epistle. “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meakness of wisdom. But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”

That’s heady stuff. It’s kind of depressing to me, because as I read it, I recognize my total inadequacy. Re-read that verse again, maybe three or four times. It starts to sink in after several reviews.

We all need other people; we all need friends. Ecclesiastes reminds us of the glory of friendship (two are better than one). But friends are not inexpensive, and they definitely aren’t cheap, at least not real friends. So as we spend time this season with family and friends, let us remember the value of friendship, but also count the cost. We cannot and should not claim somebody as a friend if we are not willing to sacrifice self-seeking and envy. Remember that the fruit of the spirit are “Love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.”

As we go forth into 2006, let’s all be of this mind: to love one another and live out these precepts in every moment of our lives. It will not go unrewarded, and then we will truly know that peace inside which truly passes all understanding.